


Persona Non Grata

by Jaywings



Category: Invader Zim, Portal (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Gen, One Shot, POV Male Character, POV Third Person, probably won't be continued but who knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-25
Updated: 2013-05-25
Packaged: 2017-12-12 22:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/816902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaywings/pseuds/Jaywings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When lightning strikes Zim's base, something weird happens to his computer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Persona Non Grata

A/N: This is a little Invader Zim/Portal crossover that I wrote to practice writing GLaDOS. I may or may not continue it, but here it is. It takes place post-IZ and post-Portal (the first game). It's also a bit of a Portal AU because it really has nothing to do with the sequel (seeing as I haven't actually played that yet).

* * *

_Look at me still talking when there's Science to do_

_When I look up there it makes me GLaD I'm not you!_

_I've experiments to run_

_There is research to be done_

_On the people who are Still Alive._

_And believe me, I am Still Alive._

_I'm doing Science and I'm Still Alive._

_I feel fantastic and I'm Still Alive._

_While you're dying I'll be Still Alive._

_And when you're dead I will be Still Alive._

_Still Alive._

_Still Alive._

* * *

Zim slouched into the living room of his base, shoulders hunched, fists clenched, water dripping onto the tiled floor and forming a puddle. The front door slammed closed behind him, muffling the sounds of the sudden downpour outside.

He stood there a moment, chilled to the bone from his wet uniform and scowling at the world. Then he stalked over to the couch, clambered onto it (none too gracefully) and flung his sodden wig into the corner.

"Computer!" he called at last. "Why didn't you  _tell_  me there was gonna be a storm today?" His uniform was cold and clammy and clung to his skin like a… like a leech. Ew, ew,  _ew_.

The Computer came on with a few quick beeps. [Why didn't you check the weather yourself?] it asked, an irritated edge to the automated voice.

"It's your job!" Zim snapped.

[Along with everything else around here, I suppose,] the Computer muttered. [Look, if you're so worried you should really just keep an eye on it yourself. You make sure to take a paste bath every day, anyway, so what does it  _matter?_ ]

Without waiting for a response, it shut off again. Zim rubbed his arms in an attempt to massage some warmth back into them. Didn't work. If he wanted to warm up, he'd have to actually change. Zim hopped off the couch again, hurried across the room, and opened a drawer in an endtable standing against the wall to pull out a dry uniform. He had never quite figured out the best place to stash the few extra uniforms he had. Where did humans put  _their_  clothes? Their houses were… weird.

He changed quickly and when he was done a compartment opened in the wall. He dropped his wet uniform into it and it slid away down the chute. Good riddance. Filthy  _Earth_  water. As an afterthought he picked up his wig off the floor and dropped that in, too.

Feeling much better, and entirely ignoring the puddles of water still on the floor, Zim allowed himself a stretch and glanced out the window. It occurred to him that he probably should have changed somewhere out of view of it. Enh, no matter. And it was getting pretty dark out, despite it being only the afternoon. Lightning spiked across the sky, illuminating the world for an instant before fading away to be followed closely by thunder that sounded alarmingly loud. Zim left the window and went into the kitchen, flushing himself down the secret entrance toilet to land in one of the base's main elevators. It immediately sank down, down, far belowground.

"Computer," Zim said suddenly, having just realized something. "Where's GIR, anyway?"

[Haven't seen him.] The voice emanated from the top of the elevator.

"Oh." Hm. Well, the SIR Unit would be around somewhere, and hopefully he hadn't set anything on fire. The elevator slowed to a stop and Zim stepped out into his favorite little screen room with the comfortable claw-like chair. He clambered into it and typed a few commands onto the computer screen in front of him. "Activate the security perimeter around the base, Computer."

[Right…] the Computer said. [Master, that storm's getting pretty close. Maybe it would be better if we—better if we—]

Zim flicked an antenna at the way the Computer's voice had jumped. "Heh?"

The Computer gave a simulated cough. [Sorry. Electric discharge from the storm. As I was saying, maybe it would be better if we shut down everyth—AAAAIIGGHH!]

The horrible crackling sound of electronic interference filled the room and the lights flashed, brighter than Zim had ever seen before dimming down so low that they barely outlined the equipment in the room.

The Computer tried to talk again, although its voice sounded broken and so dysfunctional that Zim sat bolt upright in alarm. [Maybe we should—maybe we should—should-should-should-should tur-tur-turn-tur-tur-turn off-off-off-off-off—SECURITY BREACH ZIM THERE'S SOMETH-TH-TH-TH-TH HELP HE-HE-HE-HEEeellLLLOOOoooo and again, welcome to the-the-the-the maybe we should—]

The lights snapped off and plunged Zim into complete darkness, the malfunctioning computer voice cutting off as well. There was silence—not even the low hum of the equipment could be heard.

Zim looked around, antennae pressed flat against his scalp. "Computer?"

The lights came back on again, slowly. Zim blinked.

[Hello,] a silky voice said. It didn't sound like the Computer at  _all_. It was much more electronic. And it was female. Eh… weird. [And, again, welcome to the Enrichment Center.]

"Computer, what happened?" Zim demanded.

There was a long pause. Then, [This isn't possible.]

"What happened to your  _voice?_ "

[Where  _are_  you?] the voice retorted with a question of its own. [Where… am…  _I?_ ]

"Computer!" Zim shouted. "Can you even hear me?"

There was no answer. Zim stared at the computer screen in front of him in utter confusion. Just minutes ago it had shown the normal Irken logo and the commands he had typed in. Now it was fizzing out to display some sort of black circular logo on a white background. Tearing his gaze away from the screen, he reached for an intercom and activated it. "GIR? Hello? GIR!"

"Uh huh?" came the garbled response.

[Who  _are_  you, anyway?] the computer voice said. [You are not an authorized test subject.]

"GIR, what's wrong with the Computer?" Zim asked of the intercom.

GIR's only response was, "I'unno." Helpful. Zim groaned and hung back up.

[You are not an authorized test subject,] the computer said again. [Authorized test subjects do not speak. Authorized—she mur-mur-mur- _murdered_  me I suppose she didn't like cake after all mur-mur-mur—this is not—] There was a surge of electronic interference again. [And I'm back. This is not my facility. Also, every one of your cameras is offline.]

"I don't  _have_ any cameras, Computer," Zim said, his hands clutching the computer screen in a death grip.

[Oh? You're really that hideous? It doesn't surprise me.]

Zim jumped. "Hey! You  _can_  still hear me!"

[Is there anyone who wouldn't be able to hear your screaming? I doubt it. I have been here—wherever  _here_  is—for precisely five minutes and forty-three seconds, and I already hate you. So congratulations, you have beaten a record I previously believed to be unbeatable.]

Zim, at a bit of a loss as to how to respond to that nonsense, changed the subject. "Computer, evaluate the damage caused by… whatever happened. Your voice is all different. Was the base struck by lightning?!"

[I am trying to figure out where I am. Enough with the incessant noise. Also, you have an enormous metal satellite dish on the roof of this facility. So it probably was.]

Wait. Zim stood up in the chair, his hands planted on the back of it for balance. "Computer, that  _is_  still you, right?"

[No. I don't know who you're referring to. I have never been addressed as 'Computer' before. And apparently you have as little idea of why I'm here as I do. Actually you probably have less of an idea. But what I know is that I was monitoring my facility, minding my own business, and suddenly I'm murdered for not a particularly good reason and end up here. In the dark.]

The insane computer stopped talking and Zim slid off his chair, heading toward the elevator and muttering to himself. "All right, I'll have to go to the main system core and see what's gone wrong  _this_  time." He stopped in front of the elevator doors. "Computer, take me to the main system core."

The doors didn't open.

Zim tensed, the claws on the ends of his fingers digging into his palms through his gloves. He tried to shake off the uneasy feeling of déjà vu that crept up his spine. "Computer, main system core. Now." When the doors still refused to open, Zim lunged forward and attempted to wrench them apart with his own two hands. Unsurprisingly, this had no effect. "Computer!"

[Allow me to present an amusing fact,] the computer said. [Fifty-eight percent of gruesome deaths in extensive underground laboratories such as this one are caused by tragic elevator accidents. Thirty-four percent are caused by overexposure to poisonous chemicals that may be found on the floors of some testchambers. Or overexposure to toxic gases such as, to give a purely hypothetical example,  _neurotoxin_. The remaining eight percent are caused by mysterious circumstances that have never and should never be explained. You should watch who you're trusting to run your elevators. And as for me, I am not accustomed to opening elevators unless the test subject has solved the latest test.]

"I'm not taking a filthy  _test_ ," Zim snapped. "And I'm not dancing this time, either!"

[…I should hope not. My only consolation is that if you were to dance I wouldn't have to watch it.]

Growling, Zim hammered on the elevator doors with both fists. They still didn't open. And he didn't even have any giant robots in the base that he could pilot over and blast the doors open with. "Whoever you are, get out of my computer!" he finally yelled at the ceiling.

[I am the Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System. I used to be referred to by the acronym GLaDOS. That was before everyone in the facility died of asphyxiation, of course.]

"GLa… DOS?" Zim tried out the new word and decided he hated it. "Look! Just take me to the main system core and I'll get you outta my base!"

"GLaDOS" did not respond. Zim planted a savage kick on the doors, then ran to the wall at the side of the room. He punched a button that pulsed with green light and a panel in the wall slid to the side, allowing him to slip through the opening. He had entered a corridor—one so narrow that both sides pressed against his shoulders and the sides of his PAK uncomfortably. He had never used this passageway before. He wasn't even entirely sure where it led. As quickly as he could, he moved through it.

[Very good,] GLaDOS said calmly, as if she could see him. [This facility was obviously designed with at least enough forethought to provide multiple ways out of any given room.]

"Of course it was!" Zim said, irritation with the new AI growing rapidly. "I didn't want to risk being trapped in a room by disgusting  _humans_. Not that they could ever get into my amazing base, but…"

[Well, then. It seems you and I have something in common after all,] GLaDOS said. [We both hate humans.]

"What? Oh, eh, I mean, I was worried about  _other_  humans!" Zim said hurriedly, remembering quite suddenly that he had no idea where this thing that took over his computer had even come from. "I'm human, of course! See, this is all… perfectly normal."

[Oh, shut up,] GLaDOS said. Her voice contained barely any emotion. [I am in control of this facility now. My influence within it is still growing. I have access to every one of your files. I know exactly what you are, Irken.]

Zim froze completely, pressed between the two walls of the escape corridor.

GLaDOS let out a low chuckle that sounded like it was coming from a radio with bad reception. [You have abilities beyond any human. You would have made an excellent test subject, back at Aperture Science, except for your pathetic screaming.]

"Test subject?!" Zim spat.

[But we're not at Aperture Science,] GLaDOS continued. [We're at the Nameless-Place-I-Don't-Know-Where-It-Is-Or-How-I-Got-Here. Still. We're here now. So let's see what this non-human facility is capable of… shall we?]

And with that, the floor dropped out from under Zim's feet.

* * *

A/N: All right, do you think GLaDOS was reasonably IC? I tried ;~;


End file.
